Date: 2024-04-06
AO: freestate
Q: Winston
PAX: Mark Michael, FIFA (F3 The Capital), Wildcat, Pigeon, Dungeon Master, Legacy, Cannoli, Deagle, Leonardo, Mac-n-Cheese FNGs: None
COUNT: 12
WARMUP: See below
THE THANG: I signed up to Q at Freestate because of the Regional Headquarters subregionoid exchange program. This was a naive impulse. I knew that I would be encountering a different environment and that I would need to be flexible. I was going into an area where the guys do things a little differently than in Arlington, Va. I was open to new experiences. But I was unprepared for the deep, deep psychic shock of what I actually found. Now, several co-pays later, I am finally ready to memorialize this stupefying experience.
I would have preferred never to speak of these events again. But there is an agreement among civilized peoples that we make a record of these types of events in a backblast. This is one of the things that separates us from the savages and cannibals.
The Freestate AO is only 12 minutes from my home, yet I felt like a Peace Corps volunteer, dropped into the middle of the most impoverished, underdeveloped 3rd World nation. They lack basic literacy. They have no respect for our most deeply held Western values. And they do not abide by the ground rules for using Slack.
Going in I had joked about using an Apocalypse Now theme for this beatdown. This turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Alas! This unfortunate land indeed has its own Colonel Kurtz.
For fear he will retaliate against me or my family, I don’t want to use his actual F3 name. I will refer to him as Thatcher. Thatcher had clearly gone off the rails long ago and was accustomed to indulging his every despotic whim at the expense of those he ruled. Upon looking upon this tyrant, this usurper, this rebel, this despot, this sender-of-men-to-the-nearest-thesaurus, so many mysterious things became clear to me. For example, the reasons why Maryland would leave the ACC for the Big Ten–this is something I totally understand now.
Of note, shortly after Thatcher arrived at the site, he informed me that my sign-up for Q was invalid. Then, he started babbling animatedly about something along the lines of his abdication. The timing was interesting, as he had been tipped off through Q-Sign ups that a visitor from HQ was coming. It seemed welcome news to the shellshocked and abused local population. But they were also fearful for some reason. And they were unable to successfully execute Thatcher’s commands for his North Korean-style warm up.
Thatcher kept going on and on triumphantly regarding his impending abdication. Could this be fake-out?–one carefully choreographed to deceive HQ’s spy? Thatcher appeared to be the only one who was literate. He arrived with a printed sheet in his hand that he read from. But it was mostly gibberish generated by AI.
Upon finishing up what I think Thatcher called Pyongyang Pickle Pounders, a powerful but unsettling realization came over me: I understood my true mission for the organization. My mission was to take Thatcher down. Of course such a directive would never be explicitly given to me. But this whole affair was set up so I would intuit it.
We were working out on the tarmac outside a large building that appears to be used for training young people how to commit cyber-crimes. Thatcher led us down to a muddy field (sadly, one in much better shape than the original Sandlot site at Quincy field). The workout was a good one that incorporated all elements of the F3 canon. The local population is indeed industrious! Oh, what might possibly be for this community if they could be freed from the yoke of this despotic demon.
After what I must say was a rousing sequence of burpees and running up and down a hill, Thatcher took us back to the tarmac at the Esquela de Cyber Crime. More talk of his abdication. And more and more talk of abdication. And more talk. Get on with it, would ya? Thatcher’s successor was eventually identified from the crowd, and this gentleman seems to be a solid citizen and someone we can work with.
It struck me that the abdication talk could not be faked–there is no way the populous could fake that much enthusiasm. Even joy! You could feel the locals’ relief to have their community finally freed from this rule of this despot! So the deed is done! Thatcher, the Moco Colonel Kurtz, has been deposed! This must be exactly as our great leader planned it.
I look forward to retuning to this historic site a someday, particularly if I need to go to Maryland to pick up a bushel of crabs or get a good deal on a case of wine.
MARY: Transfer of Power Ceremony
ANNOUNCEMENTS: Boneathon on May 26! The Murph on May 27! Convergence on June 1st at 0700 on Roosevelt, Island–see convergence channel!
COT: Sic Semper Tyrannus!
Tags: freestate, Mark Michael, FIFA (F3 The Capital), Wildcat, Pigeon, Dungeon Master, Legacy, Cannoli, Deagle, Leonardo, Mac-n-Cheese
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